scared to commit

I did a crazy thing this week. At least, that’s what conventional wisdom would say. Conventional wisdom would say it’s completely ‘counter-intuitive’ to commit – with no income stream in sight – the very last of your savings to rent a large, expensive house in a rural area for a year. But that’s exactly what I’ve done.

In fact, it’s actually the most intuitive decision I’ve ever made, given it was guided entirely by Her. I spotted the house while trawling the online real estate sites, looking for somewhere I could live for a few months or a year while I settle into this unexpected directive to reside in my homeland. I was looking for a space to call my own – something small and cheap, either near the beach or in the bush, not too far away from civilisation but private and quiet. Somewhere I could sing and dance with Her for a while, while I finally figured out what my next career might look like. And then I saw THESE photos.

My first thought was “holy crap – now that’s some serious SPACE!” And my mind was quick to follow up with “but that’s ridiculous… look how expensive it is and you don’t need THAT much space and it’s completely self-indulgent and extravagant and WHEN are you going to start living within your (meagre) means?” So I dropped the first thought and continued looking for more moderate and less awe-inspiring accommodation.

But the house on the rock wouldn’t leave me alone. I started having serious fantasies. About how I could use the space for dancing and singing and writing and magic. About what could possibly be born from this chrysalis of stone and tin and wood and glass. When She showed me the possibility of – after some quiet time for Us – SHARING this space with a handful of other women who are also craving time and space to reconnect with themselves, I was gone. Rational, left-brain caution left the building.

In its place came a sense of possibility and optimism and faith. What if, instead of living carefully for the next year, slowly eking out the remaining savings from my corporate career while having small, careful thoughts about what might come next, I did something completely different? What if I thought big and bravely tried something that might not work, but (if it does) could hold the potential to jump-start a whole new life, one that is completely aligned with my Soul? What if instead of taking tiny steps towards Her and our future together, I ran full tilt towards the edge and jumped?

And then the fears really came rushing in… what if it doesn’t work? What if I actually can’t slow down and drop in with Her and I just spend a year on my own going slowly crazy? What if more money doesn’t come and I just blow all my savings on a romantic fantasy and I’m left with nothing and I have to take a job I hate just to pay the bills, so I end up exactly where I left off four years ago? What if other people (eg. my parents) think I’ve lost it (again) and made (another) completely reckless and irresponsible decision?

And under all that, an even bigger fear: what if it does work? What if – on my own, in this glorious space – I finally have to let the magic happen? What the fuck happens then?

After a day or so of this mind storm, I finally got quiet enough to hear a small voice of clarity ask “what if this is exactly what that money is for?” And my perspective suddenly shifted, dramatically. Because I want to spend time in the next few months writing about my journey through a corporate career that ended in near-total burnout, which was absolutely caused by the complete absence of connection with Her. So maybe this is actually the perfect use for the last of that corporate money… to complete the healing.

With that thought, I got very quiet. And I made the decision. I signed the lease and moved in exactly four years since I left my corporate job. It felt terrifying and brave and right.

So I plan to be here, in this temple in the sky, for a year. I will start by sharing the space with Her. We will dance and sing and write and make magic. With Her help, I’ll rediscover and develop my voice and some of my other superpowers. And then We will start sharing what We’ve created.

Until now, I’ve told only a handful of other people about my intentions… and a funny thing is happening. People are responding. Women are responding. Other women who’ve done time in the corporate world are saying “yes – I know exactly what you mean. It happened to me too.” Already, I can see potential writing partners and even business partners starting to emerge, along with channels that could connect me with women who might be ready to hear what I have to say.

I just finished re-reading Lynne Twist’s wonderful book The Soul of Money. I first read it almost four years ago, immediately after I quit and commenced this grand adventure. I’ve clearly shifted a lot in four years, because I didn’t even remember her conclusion from the first time around. She asserts that when your money is aligned with your Soul’s intention, it becomes a magical tool for transformation of yourself and your world. It becomes magnetic.

Which is exactly what seems to be happening. Because money is a carrier of energy and intent, I didn’t just rent a house this week. I made a strong and powerful declaration of intention. In essence, I stated that I am willing to do whatever it takes to honour my new relationship with Her… even if it’s scary and makes no rational sense. And I finally committed to exploring how I can best be of service in this world, which (right now) is to tell my story as plainly and honestly as I can, so that it might provide a mirror in which some other women can see themselves a little more clearly.

In shifting my story about money, I’ve been able to see that I have exactly enough to step into my reason for being here. I feel incredibly grateful. And She is delighted.