scared to make space

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Ever since Montana, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be alone. Alone in the wilderness, sitting with Mama Earth. Alone with my physicality, dropping out of my head and into my body. Alone with Her, rolling around in our own deliciousness.

At the end of the retreat She told me I needed to create space – physical, mental, emotional and energetic space – for Her. I had visions of a small place, just for me, in nature. I even had a couple of leads on tiny spaces I could rent for a few weeks or months in the Bay area. I was prepared to walk away from living with my partner, just to honour this new relationship with Her… which is a big deal, because my intimate relationships have (until this one) been a string of only-partially-controlled disasters and my current partner is a very good man, who I love dearly.

For the past month I’ve agonised about the solution I thought had been presented: a tiny apartment in the middle of the city. To be clear: I was and still am incredibly grateful for this space. The whole thing was orchestrated by Her and another soul. I didn’t make it happen – She literally dropped it into my lap. The apartment has a little garden and it’s gorgeous, so it was about as good as a place in the city that I shared with my partner was going to get. But a part of me was left wondering – what the fuck? Every cell in my body is screaming for SPACE and what I get is this tiny little area that I have to SHARE?

And then I felt incredibly ungrateful. Because I had some things that many women like me would love to experience – a partnership with a good man who’s aware of what’s going on for me and completely supports my evolution, an affordable place to stay in a city gripped by a serious housing crisis, a new relationship with my own soul AND the funds to support myself for six months while I get to know Her better. Surely this should have been more than enough for me to be happy with? After all, I have no real problems and nothing to really be unhappy about, so surely I could just get the fuck over myself?

And in all that agonising, I neglected the small everyday steps I could have taken to create more space… meditation, dancing, singing and even writing. The things I know bring me closer to Her. Because there’s still a whole lot of fear around actually being with Her, in this body.

And I saw more fear driving the need to be alone. There’s the fear that if I’m in the world – around other people, doing everyday stuff – I will not be able to even maintain, let alone deepen, this connection with Her… because there’s a reluctance to stake out, claim and really own space for myself in my environment. Because way down deep, there’s the fear that allowing myself to be seen in the world, fully expressing my gorgeous soul’s fire, isn’t safe and will get me killed. Because somehow I’ve come to believe that true radiance is only safely expressed in private, with just the wind and the trees and the waves for company. I started to wonder whether the need for space was a true expression of my soul’s desire or just a set of stories plastering over the fear of death.

Two days ago, the agonising stopped. The decision has been made for me. My visa application was refused. I’ll most likely be spending at least 6 months (probably longer) in my country of birth – without my partner. That space I was craving? Here it is.

After a day or two of open-mouthed shock at how quickly the foundations of a life can shift, I’ve started to feel into a new set of possibilities. There’s a part of me still grieving the loss of one dream. At the same time, there’s another part starting to create a new vision. One involving a lot of quiet time in the wide open spaces of this green and brown and blue country. One that allows ample time for meditation, dancing, singing and writing. One that will require a leap of faith, because it doesn’t yet show me a clear path to financial sustainability… but one that She loves. And I’ve promised to choose Her first, so it’s time to let go of my need to know how this will turn out and trust Her wisdom.

chrysalis

Because maybe this is perfect. Maybe it’s just what I need. Maybe She’s creating a chrysalis we can inhabit for the next few months, a safe space within which I can completely dissolve and from which we can emerge with wings shining in rainbow colours, ready to fly. Maybe I needed to be here – on this land where I’ve never really felt settled – to truly come home.

6 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing Belinda. I really admire your courage to go after the truth- a deeper wisdom in finding liberation for your self. I am with you in this search; for what’s true for my self. Much love ♡

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  2. killian ward says

    This mysterious and frightening realm we have entered presents us with such consuming visions. There has not been a day since we left the ranch that I haven’t thought about you, wondering how your search for your new living arrangements was progressing, where you were in your quest for knowing Her and incorporating her in your every day, finding the Space so necessary that you shared with me. I have been so at a loss for what is next for me, and of course I’m thinking all the while how everyone else has probably got their shit together and are reveling in this new found fire. After I got my tattoo I thought this new life was just going to fall into place and I was going to wing my way forward with joy in my heart, not quit like Jessica’s beautiful heart although that was a vision I will never forget and I treasure it. Well, expectations have always been a trap for me…and guess what, I haven’t conquered them yet! I am feeling lonely, alone, and scared to death (there is that too…death) that I will not honor Her and try and stay with Her and open to Her but I don’t know what to do next. I too am grateful for a rather easy life…financial security, a home I love and cherish, reasonably good health, but I find myself just wanting to be alone, and yet I feel the need to talk to someone that gets where I am and what I’m talking about….I have wonderful friends here but they don’t get me in this area. I just keep thinking of “hold her hand” and that’s what I’m trying to do now. So wing on, beautiful One…you are such an inspiration to me. Of course, I’m sobbing as I write this…there is a lot of crying lately, too…and I wish the most beautiful rebirth for you. .Love is flying to you Killian

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  3. sharon says

    Love your posts and you are in my awareness often. I am in the flow of choosing her and it is for me a little shocking how the turns twist. Opening always to here.

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  4. Grace Miller says

    Belinda,

    You are so incredibly strong. I felt like a warrior next to you at the retreat. In fact I felt inspired by your strong heart and spirit. To me, it was an honor to even sit next to you. There is nothing you can’t do. Hold on beautiful one. You are not alone.

    With so much love,
    Grace

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